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Articles by: Kathie Donovan

Author: Kathie Donovan

A Reason, a Season or a Lifetime: The Many Sides of Friendship

What do you think of when you think of February, aside from it being bone chilling cold here in the frozen north? It’s love, right? February 14th, Valentine’s Day, takes over and we’re bombarded with messages about love. We exchange greeting cards, chocolates, flowers and we have a newish twist known as Galentine’s Day on February 13th, to celebrate gal pals. But what about every other day of the year, shouldn’t we champion quality friendships then too? I had a feeling you’d agree, so let’s explore how we can enhance our lives at any stage through friendship.

“Valentine’s Day is just another day to truly love like there is no tomorrow.” – Storyteller, Roy A. Ngansop

I think it’s wonderful to celebrate companionship, whether it’s romantic or platonic. You see it’s our connectivity as human beings that contributes to not only our longevity but the quality of our lives. Single or otherwise, we all need to feel connected and when we don’t, the result is, we feel lonely. While I think it’s important to recognize that we all feel lonely from time to time, it’s not a place I want to suggest we set up camp. The tricky bit is that we’re a little (or a lot) uncomfortable with the idea of having boundaries in friendships, editing friendships that may not align with us at this stage and we’re uncomfortable when it comes to making new friends. This is especially true as we age but I have great news. It doesn’t have to be awkward and here’s more great news, there are friends you haven’t met yet who will add value to your life.                                     

“Love is a great beautifier.” – Louisa May Alcott

Some of us are more challenged than others when it comes to exercising our social muscles but being connected through friendship empowers us, makes us feel seen, heard, valued, appreciated and it helps others feel the same. When we’re young, friendship can be challenging and many of us tolerate a lot but once we know what we need in a friend, it’s easier to find what works for us. Also, as we get older, we don’t require the same things we did when we were young. We’re hopefully a little wiser and have learned from our life experience. We’re not looking for someone to hit the clubs with, unless they’re golf clubs of course. LOL. Whether it’s golf or another sport, play is a great way to make new friends. Do you play cards, board games or enjoy bowling, going to the movies or doing puzzles? You’re not alone and that’s a great way to enjoy time with other folks who like the same thing. The trick here is to ask people about their interests to discover if their pursuits align with yours. Again, good exercise for our social muscles.

“The most I can do for my friend, is simply to be his friend.” -Naturalist, Henry David Thoreau

Clubs and groups devoted to a specific area of interest are perfect for making connections with like-minded people. Whether on-line or in person, bonding with others this way is uplifting. I run a Facebook group called The Secret Kindness Club where we exchange kindness. Feel free to join us. There’s no agenda just the invitation to share kindness. People drop in regularly to either leave some kindness or pick some up if they need it. The on-line world has afforded many new opportunities to connect with people. It’s a fascinating domain where Facebook friends can sometimes become in-person friends. That’s how I met one of my besties.

I love the idea of a book club, a cookie club, a coffee club, a gardening club, a soup club or a lunch club, where everyone contributes something whether it’s opinions about a book, a yummy dish at a pot-luck lunch, a monthly soup delivery or a new recipe from a cookie buffet. Enhance the experience by inviting members of the group to share their stories and insights. You never know what you’ll learn about someone that might spark a friendship.

 “Women’s friendships are like a renewable source of power.” – Actress, Jane Fonda

Exercise classes, art classes, yoga classes, taking high school, college or university courses all support the idea of being a life-long learner. If you see someone in the class you think you’d like to get to know, exercise your social muscles and ask them for coffee. It may or may not be a match as a friend, but you’ll never know if you don’t ask.

Volunteering is another brilliant way to connect with like-minded people. You’ll have something in common immediately and if you volunteer regularly, chances are you’ll see the same people, which could be an easy way to make a connection.

Compliment strangers on something they’re wearing, or on their smile, that’s another way to spark conversation. Chat with your neighbours, say yes more often to parties and gatherings and most of all, say yes to making new friends regardless of your age or circumstances. Remember this isn’t serious business, friends are meant to make our lives more fun. Something I like to remind myself of when it comes to friendship is to take the best and leave the rest. We’re not therapists, babysitters, event coordinators or detectives, we’re friends. We don’t have to solve, fix, organize or intervene unless we’re asked to and we’re willing to. Our friends should always make us feel like they’ve got our back. They’re our best cheerleaders, ready to lift us up when we need lifting and to celebrate with us when we’re winning.

Time can either strengthen a friendship or weaken the bond. I often think of something someone told me years ago, that friends were for a reason, a season or a lifetime and it’s up to us to figure out which is which. Let me leave you with the poem that passage comes from, so that you know when to step up, lighten up and when to let go.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime -Anonymous

People come into your life for a reason,
 A season or a lifetime.
 When you know which one it is, you will
 Know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a
 REASON, it is usually to meet a
 need you have expressed. They have come to
 assist you through difficulty, to provide
 you with guidance and support, to aid you
 physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
 They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
 They are there for the reason you need them to
 be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your
 part or at an inconvenient time, this person
 will say or do something to bring the
 relationship to an end. Sometimes they die.
 Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they
 act up and force you to take a stand. What
 we must realize is that our need has been
 met, our desire fulfilled, and their work is done.
 The prayer you sent up has been answered
 and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a
 SEASON, because your turn has come to
 share, grow or learn. They bring you an
 experience of peace or make you laugh.
 They may teach you something you have never
 done. They usually give you an unbelievable
 amount of joy. Believe it, it is real.
 But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
 things you must build upon, in order to have a solid emotional
 foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and
 put what you have learned to use in all other
 relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is
 blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Words that Uplift: How Compliments Nurture Connection and Confidence

Do you feel worthy of receiving compliments or do they make you feel uncomfortable? Our world is so focused on appearances, which is likely why we feel a little awkward when someone compliments us. If we believe we look good, then a compliment is easier to receive but many of us are unsure of ourselves and so compliments may feel insincere even when they’re genuine. The truth is that while it’s nice to look good, there’s so much more about us that’s worthy of praise.

“Don’t judge by appearances. A rich heart may be under a poor coat.” – Anonymous

I’m a big believer in compliments not only about physical appearance but about who we are and how we are. I recognize that praise helps people feel seen, heard and valued, which is very important to me. Growing up as a short person: at school, I was always placed at the front of the line, and I was singled out as cute. The compliments I received were no doubt genuine but always focused on the fact that I’m a small person. I should mention that being vertically challenged has never been a disadvantage in my life, quite the opposite. It’s given me unique insight into how we see each other and how sometimes what we perceive about each other is very limited. I recall meeting with a newspaper reporter years ago, who was writing a story about a project I was involved with. I specifically asked her not to lead with my height and of course she did. I didn’t want her to lead with what I think is the least interesting thing about me. I’m so much more than my height and so are you: so much more than the body you live in. We can be so focused on how we look that it can detract from us living our lives joyfully, celebrating ourselves for all the challenges we’ve moved through and the resilience we’ve gained as a result. That’s why I think offering meaningful compliments can make a difference.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” – Leo Buscaglia

When we praise people about who they are, we shine a light on their strengths, which connects us in a deeper way and helps boost self-esteem. When we compliment each other on our creativity or resilience for example, we acknowledge the inherent qualities that make each of us special. I just finished reading Tony Bennet’s book Just Getting Started. I have always been a big fan not only because of Tony’s tremendous talent as a vocal artist and painter but also because of his humility. The book is a series of short chapters focusing on the people he encountered over the years, from Count Basie and Frank Sinatra to Lady Gaga and Amy Winehouse who either made a difference for him or for whom he was able to make a difference. Tony is very generous with compliments about how these people were or are as human beings as much as their musical talent.

Recognizing a person’s resilience, kindness, compassion or loyalty, affirms that their worth is not solely based on their appearance and can empower them to embrace these qualities as strengths to be celebrated and further developed.

“Do not miss a single chance- not one single opportunity- to tell someone how wonderful they are, how special they are, how important to you they are, how incredible as a person they are, how beautiful they are inside and out. Do not miss a single opening in which to insert such a comment, genuinely felt and genuinely meant.” – author, Neale Donald Walsch

If you want to create a positive social environment and improve interactions at work, at home or among your friends, nourish the habit of giving as well as receiving compliments. Our acts of kindness, expressed through our words and our actions create a feeling of belonging and diminish feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. What’s the old proverb? You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar. Think about it this way: kindness attracts; rudeness repels.

It’s interesting to me that a compliment about a person’s character is longer lasting than a compliment about their appearance. It comes back to the idea that we all want to feel seen, heard, valued and appreciated for who we are. The magic happens when we receive compliments graciously. A simple thank you is a beautiful gift to give someone who gifts us with kindness. Even when we don’t fully believe the compliment, saying thank you acknowledges that someone sees something in us that we might take for granted or not be aware of.

Let’s not forget that kindness is contagious and there’s great benefit for us when we give compliments. Want lower blood pressure and cortisol levels? Kindness is good medicine for both. Then there are the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine that make us feel satisfied and stimulate the pleasure and reward centre of the brain for both the giver and the receiver. There’s also the added benefit of reducing fear and anxiety.

  • Is there someone who made a difference in your life? Send them a note or an email expressing your appreciation for their generosity.
  • Have you observed someone navigating through a rough time with courage and grace? Tell them how much you admire their bravery.
  • Is there someone in your life who seems a little down? Offer them some sunshine by complimenting them.

Here are a few suggestions for compliments about attributes other than physical appearance:

  • Our conversations mean a lot to me.
  • You have great taste in……
  • You are so good at embracing creativity.
  • Your enthusiasm is contagious.
  • You express yourself very well.
  • You’re very understanding.
  • I feel energized when I’m in your company.
  • You make me think about things differently.
  • You inspire me.

While criticism certainly comes more easily than compliments do, there’s far more fuel for our well-being and happiness when we train our mind to look for the good in other people and let them know what we observe. It’s easy to put a foot wrong when we’re critical of others because we do not have the full picture of their life, but you can’t make a mistake when you give out compliments like candy.

in Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Growing Through Life: Lessons for a Fulfilling Journey

There’s no question that life is an unpredictable ride. I’m sure there isn’t anybody you can think of who hasn’t had to navigate through something challenging. Hindsight is where we can take lessons from the tough stuff we experience. It’s important that we learn from what we undergo in life because these events can transform into teachings to guide as we move forward. Whether it’s learning or unlearning a few things, let’s explore some ideas that will hopefully be helpful when it comes to living our best life in 2025.

You are important and you matter. 

 This is lesson number one for me because I think it’s something we can easily forget. Especially as we age, we can mistakenly believe that we’re not important, that we’re irrelevant and we don’t matter. But it couldn’t be farther from the truth. If we have breath, we are important and we matter, regardless of our age. Sure, our priorities change as we get older and that’s a good thing. It’s a time in our life when we’re investing in what’s important to us and no longer focused solely on other people’s needs and their feedback to feel good. While prioritizing ourselves might feel like we’re being selfish, there’s a companion lesson here: when we take good care of ourselves, we’re better able to take care of others.

“The biggest lesson is to keep going and almost never look back.”
– hockey goaltender, Maxime Lagacé

Don’t Live in the Past.

The only thing we know for sure is the present. How many times have we heard that? It is true that the past no longer exists and what we’re thinking about are our memories of the past or rather our version of the past. Sometimes we embellish our memories and either feel bad about the way we remember events or glorify the past and long for what was. All we can do is learn from whatever happened and apply those lessons to our life today. If you have a regret about something from your past, know that it’s just a reminder that you’re human. It’s better to let it go than to resist feelings of regret because what we resist persists and we’re all capable of learning and growing. Sometimes talking through regrets with a friend or trusted advisor can put things in proper perspective. Let’s not let memories of the past impede our enjoyment of the life we have in front of us and our future possibilities.

“The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that hurt people hurt people, and kindness is just as contagious. So, if you can focus your efforts on engineering kindness, it will prevail.”  
– founder of Bumble, Whitney Wolfe Herd

Be Kind.

Sometimes the simplest life lessons are the toughest to apply. Because we’re human, we’re wired for safety, and fear plays a major role when it comes to us feeling protected from danger. We’re not always sure of others’ intentions and because fear is so powerful, we can mistake kindness for weakness. It’s even true of ourselves. We’ve been conditioned, I say, conned into believing that strength is being tough when the truth is that our real strength is in our ability to be vulnerable. Learning to be kind toward ourselves takes us back to lesson number one: it’s the recognition that we are important, and we matter. Keep in mind that how you speak to yourself about yourself and how you speak to others about yourself is important because what you put out there is what will be returned to you. Keep kindness top of mind when you’re doing business with others too; it’ll make a difference for everyone and trust me, kindness is a gift that keeps on giving. When we’re kind to others, we feel good thanks to kindness hormones like oxytocin, it helps with blood pressure and ultimately our kindness influences others to be kind as well.

“When you share your story and become vulnerable, the ripple effect and the people that you can help along the way is a life lesson.” 
– Sophie Gregoire Trudeau

Don’t Worry, Be Happy.

This is another way of saying that we should focus our resources and attention on what’s important in life today. There will always be situations that don’t go to plan, people who don’t measure up to our expectations, or having our words and actions disappoint others. The key here is to remember that what other people do and say reflects something in them and has nothing to do with us. We give power to the wrong thing, when we’re focused on how other people disappoint us. While we can’t control life events and other people’s actions, we can control our response to life events and other people’s actions. Worrying about what other people might do or what might happen is like praying for what we don’t want. It’s far more productive to focus on what we do want and take small steps in that direction. This way we take power away from worry and create more space for peace.

“He has not learned the first lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.” 
– Poet and writer, John Dryden

Make Play Part of your Day.

Nobody teaches children how to play. Every day they wake up ready to engage in as much fun as possible, using their beautiful imaginations to create magical experiences. We know that play is beneficial for their cognitive function as well as their physical, emotional and social well-being. We encourage kids to play for those reasons and we overlook the fact that maintaining a playful mindset is helpful in the same way for adults. Whether it’s sports, board and card games, puzzles, acting, dancing or singing, we’re reducing stress, nurturing connection, emotional well-being and keeping our beautiful brain challenged and alert. You can double the fun by pairing up older people with younger people. Intergenerational play is fun for everyone.

“The biggest lesson I learned this year is not to force anything, conversations, friendships, relationships, attention, love. Anything forced is just not worth fighting for, whatever flows flows, what crashes crashes.” 
-entrepreneur, Amanda Rose

Don’t Force Anything

This may be one of the hardest won lessons of the bunch. We humans love our control. We like it when life goes the way we want it to. We like it when people like us and when they do what we think they should do. We’re frustrated when people don’t do what we expect them to or heed the advice we offer. This human experience has its joys, and control does not fuel that feeling. All it does is produce anxiety. It’s good to keep in mind that every person has their journey in life and lessons to go along with it. We’re not in charge of anybody else’s experience and simply accepting this important truth will give us more energy and peace as we navigate our own life adventure. Another aspect of this to keep in mind is that not everyone will like us regardless of our talents or our generosity. As challenging as it is, it’s more important to be true to ourselves than to seek approval from others.

“Life changes for the better when we realize that we don’t have to know everything, and we don’t have to pretend that we do.”
– author and business leader, Simon Sinek

These life lessons are a reminder that we’re not alone; we’re all in this together and with some encouragement, we can shift our perspective to improve our circumstances. Our open mind and our willingness to learn give us the power to enrich our lives and shape our experience for the better. Here’s to our best year in 2025

in Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

The Story of Saint Nicholas and his Gifts to the World

Who hasn’t wanted to meet the real Santa Claus? It turns out that you don’t have to travel to the North Pole to make his acquaintance; in fact, you’ve probably encountered him many times without recognizing him. The persona we know as Santa Claus is the spirit of goodness, kindness and generosity. We’ll get back to Santa soon but first let’s get to know where the man in the red suit got started.

“They err who thinks Santa Claus comes down through the chimney; he really enters through the heart.”  – Paul M. Ell

The origin story of what we know as Santa Claus goes back thousands of years to a monk by the name of Saint Nicholas. Born in 280 AD in what is now Turkey, he was revered for his extraordinary faith and compassion. The legend goes that he gave away his inherited wealth and made it his mission to help others.

One of the most famous stories is about a father with three daughters. The man couldn’t afford a dowry for them and without it his daughters couldn’t be married. In the dark of night Saint Nicholas tossed coins in through an open window in the man’s house (some say it was down a chimney) and ran away before he was discovered, ensuring that the man had the resources for his oldest daughter’s dowry. He did this for each of the daughters and was caught by the father the third time. Nicholas begged the man not to reveal his secret, which led to the folklore that whenever anyone received a mysterious gift, it was said to be from Saint Nicholas.

As his popularity increased, Saint Nicholas became known as the protector of sailors and children. His feast day is celebrated on the anniversary of his death, December 6th, which is said to be an auspicious day to make large purchases or to get married. Over time, Saint Nicholas became the most popular saint in Europe and across the continent, his legacy of kindness inspired all kinds of traditions.

In France, children would leave their shoes out at night for Saint Nicholas, hoping to find them filled with chocolate and gifts in the morning. This tradition was accompanied by parades and celebrations, featuring plenty of sweets for the little ones. The practice of gift-giving began to take root in Germany and the Netherlands in the 17th century in the name of Saint Nicholas. The Dutch called him Sinterklaas, which over time evolved into the English Santa Claus. In England, Saint Nicholas was celebrated with a midwinter festival, where he was associated with adult pleasures: eating, drinking and making merry. Today, in England, Father Christmas is mainly synonymous with Santa Claus. 

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.” – Clement Clarke Moore

Over the centuries, as our world has changed, the core values of Saint Nicholas: joy, generosity and compassion have been embodied by the figure of Santa Claus, evolving from a revered Christian saint to a beloved worldly icon. The familiar red Santa suit evolved from the red and white robes Saint Nicholas wore as Bishop of Myra in the 4th Century. It was the American cartoonist Thomas Nast who created the jolly elf in the red suit we know today as Santa Claus.

“Santa Claus is anyone who loves another and seeks to make them happy.” 
–American Publisher Edwin Osgoode Grover

The Santa Claus North Americans are familiar with reflects an interplay of religious tradition and folklore. Santa has a workshop at the North Pole and delivers gifts to children all over the world in one night, via reindeer and sleigh. While it’s a long way from the roots of his story, the spirit of Saint Nicholas is alive and well in the hearts of those who give without expectation of receiving. Thanks to global marketing and smart business the spirit of Santa Claus transcends cultural and religious borders today. Santa Claus enriches our experience of Christmas and reminds us that kindness, compassion and generosity are the greatest gifts of all. Whatever you celebrate this December, I invite you to emulate the spirit of Saint Nicholas. Let’s have more compassion for one another, be generous with one another and help one another whenever and however we can. It’s up to us to keep the spark of Saint Nick burning brightly in the world. Happy Holidays friends.

in Carefreedom Living® Posted by Kathie Donovan

The Comfort Zone Feels Good but is it Good for Us?

Do you love your comfort zone as much as I do? Especially when I felt pressured in some way, my old habit was to retreat to comfort. It’s human nature. I can remember as a kid not having very much peace or ease in my life, which I’m sure in part explains why I’m a sugar addict. Sugar provided sweetness and an instant fix of comfort for me, when I was a kid but that habit hung around a little too long. I’ve been aware for some time that sugar is a poison in the body, so in the last several decades, I’ve been investigating other ways to comfort myself instead of turning to sugar. I love yoga, meditation and walking in nature; these practices all help to calm my system. I acknowledge that it takes courage to resist the allure of sugar because it’s so easy to access but I’ll continue to push on the edges of my comfort zone to embrace other ways to find sweetness in life because I know I’ll benefit in the long run.

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”
-Psychologist, Abraham Maslow

Mirriam-Webster dictionary defines comfort as “contented well-being, consolation in a time of trouble, a feeling of relief or encouragement.” Comfort implies a state of ease and satisfaction; it’s something we all want to experience. But staying in our comfort zone can over time create such a predictable life that we can feel bored or left out and long term that’s not a recipe for a happy life. It’s important to understand the difference between challenging the edges of our comfort zone and doing something that makes us feel uncomfortable. Moving out of our comfort zone implies that we accept a challenge and make the choice to grow even when it’s somewhat difficult. Engaging in an activity that makes us feel uncomfortable without a clear intention can have negative consequences and push us farther back into our comfort zone instead of helping to expand it.

“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”
-Author Brian Tracy

Have I ever shared with you the experience I had when I started to study colour pencil drawing? My teacher was a physicist turned artist, who copied the masters, and became a master of the art herself. She had many tricks to help her students not feel overwhelmed when starting a drawing but the week after we were assigned to draw a group of apples from a photograph, I had barely one centimeter of the assignment done. I was so afraid to not get it right, I felt paralyzed until I was in my teacher’s company where I felt courageous enough to move the drawing along and eventually finish it. I remember the experience so well because I was pushed so far out of my comfort zone. I was asking myself who I thought I was, I was afraid of being judged by the teacher and what I learned was that as a student we don’t have to know all the answers, we don’t have to get it right the first time; we don’t have to judge ourselves harshly. We just need to be good students and having a lot of compassion for ourselves is an important part of being a good student. That lesson runs through everything I live today in my personal and my professional life. Having a student mindset allows me to be more compassionate toward myself when I don’t get it right; it supports me when I want to try new things, meet new people and have new experiences.                                     

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit at home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
-Dale Carnegie

Especially as we get older, the comfort zone becomes more appealing. We’re concerned about stepping out, we’re afraid to look like we don’t know what we’re doing, and we think we should be able to handle everything in our lives, the way we’ve always done. So, staying in familiar surroundings feels safer than doing something we’ve never done before or trying something we’ve never tried before. It’s key to mention here that as we get older and our life circumstances shift: we retire from full-time work, we may move out of our family home, we may not have family close by or feel connected to our family, whatever the circumstances we need to accept whatever is going on. That may be the most courageous act of all: acceptance of life as it is. The curious thing is that once we fully accept life as it is, we create space for ease to take over from the anxiety of wishing life could be any other way.

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”
–Nelson Mandela

Successful people understand that there’s no such thing as failure. When we don’t get the result, we expect when we try something new, it doesn’t mean we’ve lost. On the contrary, when we’re open to learning, we can see that we’ve gained wisdom, a fresh perspective and perhaps a new skill. We don’t always have to understand why something didn’t work for us, nor do we need to blame ourselves for not getting the result we wanted. We need to congratulate ourselves for taking a risk and embrace compassion for ourselves in the process. Life is anything but predictable and perhaps we shouldn’t be either. Learning to expand our comfort zone equips us to process change and uncertainty with more acceptance and grace; it also helps us to be more resilient in the face of future challenges.

Here are some tips to help you expand your comfort zone:

  • Spend time in the company of courageous people and listen carefully to them so you can learn how to be more courageous.
  • Be honest with yourself. Write in a private journal or talk with a trusted friend. Say exactly what you’re feeling.
  • Challenge what you think you know. Be open to other viewpoints and opinions.
  • Learn a new language or take up a hobby to push on the edges of your comfort zone. This helps with memory and problem-solving skills.
  • Make being creative part of your every day: write, draw, paint, do a puzzle, sing, dance, play music or build a business. These activities help to alleviate the need for perfection and encourage a student mindset.
in Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Are Life’s Obstacles Stumbling Blocks or Building Blocks for a Better Life?

Have you ever met an obstacle you liked? If you have, I’d like to give you a high five. I’ve never met an obstacle I liked. My brain slams on the brakes the moment it senses a potential stumbling block; all systems are called into action to assess the situation before proceeding. If that sounds at all familiar it’s because you’re human and we humans are like cats waiting for a mouse, we’re always on the lookout for danger, sometimes to the point of sabotaging our own goals and dreams.

“We all have challenges. You can let them be obstacles or roadblocks, or you can use them.”
– Paralympian, Amy Purdy

Amy Purdy fully embraces obstacles now, after navigating them for over twenty years. As a young woman with a thriving massage therapy practice, Amy thought she had the flu. It turned out to be meningitis; Amy lost both legs below the knee and got herself on prosthetics as soon as she could. You’d probably be more familiar with this young American as a Paralympian snowboarder and Dancing with the Stars runner up because that’s what she did with the obstacle presented to her. Amy 2.0, as she called herself then, saw the obstacle, processed what happened, accepted the situation, and figured out how to work with it, so that she could achieve the new dreams and goals she set for herself. She’s had to adapt repeatedly throughout her life as an amputee. Amy is pure inspiration for any of us to turn to, when we come up against something we perceive as an impossible block.

“It’s the hardest things in life—the things that stress you out—that build character and make you stronger. Don’t shy away from uncomfortable situations just because they won’t be easy.”
– Life Coach, Brittany Burgunder

Call them obstacles, or barriers, they’re part of life and we will encounter them at every age and every stage of this adventure. Our inclination is to avoid them but they’re not on our path without purpose. We can’t grow when we resist what challenges us. It is true that what we resist persists, so that the more we push back, the more we’re pushed back. Our resistance to life’s trials points to fear. One of my mentors, the late personal-development author and speaker, Dr. Wayne Dyer often used the acronym f. e. a. r. to symbolize “false evidence appearing real,” implying that much of what we fear is a result of our beautiful brains imagining the worst-case scenario or a dramatic outcome with no basis in our current reality. It feels real and when we entertain fear in this way, it can delay our personal growth; even sabotage our goals and dreams.

When we undertake to work with an obstacle, we tap into our innate resourcefulness, we build resilience, increase our self- awareness, and learn valuable lessons. Not to say that fear isn’t useful; in many ways it’s a helpful tool, telling us to turn back or at least not proceed immediately. Can’t swim? Then having a healthy fear of water will keep you safe. I like to use the example of crossing the road: if we look both ways and there are no cars coming, then we can proceed but stepping out on to the road without checking first can lead to no good. Fear is all about survival ultimately and when we recognize it for what it is, it can be helpful instead of harmful. Keep in mind that as we age, fear tends to pull up a chair and make itself comfortable; what we want to do is get comfortable being uncomfortable in the company of fear.

“Every challenge, every adversity, contains within it the seeds of opportunity and growth.”
– Author, Roy Bennett

Author Roy Bennett said it best: every challenge has within it the seeds of opportunity and growth. What if fear prevented you from going to the event where you met your partner? What if you let fear of failure stop you from inquiring about an opportunity you really wanted. What if you turned everything around and recognized that your superpower of courage is always there, waiting for you to call on it, to support you as you face whatever you might be feeling fearful about? What if we put obstacles, barriers and challenges in proper perspective and recognized them not as stop signs but as learning opportunities, so that instead of saying “I can’t” right out of the gate, we ask “what is this here to teach me or what can I learn from this?”

We’ve all been gifted with an unlimited supply of courage and sometimes we must invest it in shifting our focus from fear to possibility, so that we can see beyond the obstacle or barrier in front of us. It’s always in hindsight we see that had we not navigated our way through something challenging we wouldn’t have been ready to take on something new. It’s important to accept that some life circumstances are out of our control but our power lives in knowing that much of what we perceive as life’s obstacles are really what we call in retrospect life’s building blocks.

Tip: To help calm your system when you come up against an obstacle try box breathing. Breathe in for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of four, exhale for a count of four and hold your breath for a count of four. Repeat 10 times and notice the calm feeling in your body. Controlling the breath signals to the body and the brain that everything is okay.

If you’d like to read more about Amy Purdy, check out this article in Women’s Health: Click here. 

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Nourishing Ourselves: Body, Mind and Spirit

Are you a caregiver personality, someone who prides themselves on putting other people’s needs ahead of your own or have you figured out that your needs are important too? I’m curious because somehow when I was young, I learned that it was noble to prioritize other people’s needs. While it might feel natural for us to take care of other people, sometimes we’re so focused on other people’s needs, we abandon ourselves until we’re exhausted and out of resources. Who is there to take care of us when that happens? The answer is: it’s the same person responsible for our happiness: it’s us. We’re responsible for it all. This life lesson has taken me a few decades to integrate and I’m still working on it but I’m getting there. I’m learning that I can give to others, and take care of my own needs too.


“When you say, ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”
– Paul Coelho, Author, The Alchemist

When we’re taught about nourishment we’re educated around calories, leafy greens, fibre and protein but not so much about feeding ourselves good thoughts. We’re taught about calories in and calories out, but we’re not taught that rest is a key part of productivity. In fact, pausing is almost frowned upon where it should be celebrated. We’ve become a culture that praises hustling and denigrates resting, overlooking the fact that resting fuels us to be productive in a healthy way. Let’s face it, while we’re managing the details of our lives, we’re also managing our energy and we want to have stores of it so we can proceed with purpose.
Rest has many personalities for us to engage with; we can incorporate it into our day by focusing on a hobby, spending time reading or meditating. We get quality rest by including good sleep habits in our day, including letting our body know that sleep is coming up by having a set bedtime and wrapping up eating two hours before bed. We can wear blue light blocking glasses when we’re in front of our computer screen or our phone, we can enjoy calming music or have a warm bath in the evening. When our mind is focused on future tasks, ruminating about all the things we have to do, we can take a few minutes to write a to-do list, this will give us the comfort of knowing we don’t have to think about it all the time, to remember to do it.

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”
– Author, Anne Lamott

Research tells us and I say it a lot here: food and movement are two important keys to living a long life, but the number one predictor of our longevity is social connection. Our warm relationship with others scores higher than whether we choose to eat popcorn or not. Friendship and community are essential nutrients in our lives, so it’s important that they’re healthy. Creating boundaries around toxic relationships is empowering, once we get past the initial discomfort. Learning to say yes to what we really want and no to what we don’t want is also uncomfortable, especially if you’re a recovering people pleaser but the reward of not having to do things you don’t want to, is worth the effort. Working on eliminating gossip, being a good listener, asking good questions, offering compliments and expecting nothing in return are all nourishing habits that build healthy connections.
Stepping out of our comfort zone and taking the lead on inviting someone to have coffee, go to a movie or take a walk are all brilliant exercises when it comes to building our courage muscle, which we need to have toned to live a fulfilling social life. Especially as we age, we’ve been conditioned to believe that we’ll lose our mojo when it comes to trying new things. Let’s forget about what we’ve been taught about getting older and ensure that we have what we need: people around us who light us up and activities that make our days enjoyable. The truth is that there are no rules; we’re in charge of all of it.

“Invent your world. Surround yourself with people, colours, sounds, and work that nourish you.”
– Author, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy

Spirituality is a unique experience for all of us. I might be interested in practicing yoga, meditation, mindfulness and kindness as my spiritual practice and someone else might find religion a perfect fit for their needs. I fully believe that creativity is a spiritual practice. Ask anyone who writes, paints, draws, plays music, sings, does handiwork, builds things, dances, or designs gardens and they’ll tell you that they can easily lose track of time because they’re living in the moment with whatever they’re creating. It’s the most remarkable, unexplainable experience and while it’s often challenging, it’s also grounding and rewarding. Have you ever thought you’d like to try something creative even if you don’t think you’ll be good at it? Go ahead, be lousy at it, you can still have fun and not be good at something. Who are we doing these things for anyway? The answer should be we’re doing all of this for ourselves. You just never know what you’ll discover about yourself by trying something new.

I studied colour pencil drawing years ago and was mortified that I didn’t know how to do it right out of the gate but how could I? My teacher was an accomplished artist and physicist who was very compassionate. I kept at it, and you know what? I learned a lot and produced a few beautiful drawings. Maybe it’s time to pick up the pencils again and see what we can create together.

I’ll leave it to the professionals to advise us on how to eat for optimum health, but I do know that too much sugar is destructive. Yup, I’ve learned that the hard way when my sleep was being impacted by sugar. I’m a work in progress on that topic, it’s so addictive and hidden in plain sight. It’s such a shame that it tastes so good. The other lesson I’m learning is around water. Drink it. I now add lots of fresh lemon to my water to entice me because the only way I really enjoy water is in a bathtub or floating on a pool noodle in the river.
Hahaha.

I’ll leave you with this. Find ways to make yourself laugh, not only to lighten your day but to boost oxygen in your blood, improve your immunity, burn calories, relax your muscles and lower stress hormones. Heck, forget everything else I’ve said here and find something that makes your heart sing with laughter.

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Why Happiness Matters and How to Cultivate More of it in Your Life

What does happiness mean to you? Some of us think of happiness as a fleeting state, depending on circumstances and other people. For others it means contentment or feeling successful. Happiness to me is a state of mind rather than a feeling in response to something outside of myself. I call it true and sustainable happiness and I learned about it by not having it in my life. Sounds strange I know but I believe we’ve been taught to think that we’ll find happiness through people and situations outside of ourselves. While we may get results pursuing happiness this way, to maintain the feeling, we must keep chasing after it. We can get closer to the meaning of true sustainable happiness when we acknowledge what it is not. It’s not money in the bank although that’s a nice thing to have; it’s not status although that’s lovely too. We have been mistakenly convinced that our happiness comes as the result of having money and status. You can’t buy true sustainable happiness, but you can earn it by investing in yourself.

“Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.” –  Ralph Waldo Emerson

I call myself a happiness expert, so you’ll understand why I’m fascinated with the subject. My passion is researching how to help people uncover more of what I call true happiness; that’s been the focus of my work for the last few decades. I’ve been committed to the topic in part to support myself. As I mentioned in my first book Inspiration in Action: A Woman’s Guide to Happiness, happiness was so elusive in my life as a young woman that I felt like I was reaching into a large, overstuffed purse, pulling out whatever I thought might make me happy and trying it. Nothing and I mean nothing from shopping and drugs to alcohol and losing myself in relationships provided what I now know as true happiness. I’m grateful to have survived my experiments and now use the wisdom I learned from those experiences to help other people have an easier time connecting with their own version of happiness.

“Happiness isn’t a goal, it’s a by-product of a life well lived.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

The question is how do we invite more happiness into our lives? We all have our own preferences when it comes to everyday living and what makes us feel good. We have different tastes in music and art which is so special, but I don’t think we put enough emphasis on incorporating gratitude and kindness into our everyday habits. We’re conditioned to take our lives for granted until something happens to shake us out of our slumber. Some of our Wellings members tell us that they take the opportunity to create new habits and live life more on their own terms instead of living to please anybody else when they move into our community. That’s a step in the direction of more happiness. You’ll often hear people who have survived a terrible accident, or a life-threatening disease say they’re grateful every day. I believe it but we don’t need to wait for something extraordinary to happen for us to develop that deep appreciation. It’s all about the lens we choose to see life through.

When we see ourselves as separate from others either better or less than others, we’re turning away from happiness. The truth of this life is that we are all connected as a human race and the simple acknowledgement of that fact turns us toward a more settled mindset instead of the stress and chaos that separation sets us up for. Adding to that, having compassion for ourselves and others instead of feeding the drive to judge helps to settle our nervous system, which is a contributing factor to experiencing true happiness.

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” – Dalai Lama

Positive psychology, the school of science that explores happiness, recommends that being grateful, partaking in regular exercise and having healthy relationships will enhance our happiness. Developing a practice of being grateful by writing down three to five things a day we’re grateful for will help to embed the habit in our mind. Moving our beautiful body however we’re able will enhance not only our wellbeing but our sleep as well. Removing toxic people from our social circle and eliminating habits like complaining and gossiping will lighten us up to make more room for happiness. Incorporating more positive habits into our daily life encourages production of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine which are correlated with happiness and pleasure. Who doesn’t want more of that?

I’d say watching our thoughts is an important pillar when it comes to our happiness. Mindfulness refers to noticing when negative thoughts start to take over and adjusting our focus to think of something positive or compassionate instead of judgmental. You’ve heard it said that we’re our own worst critic, right? Well, it’s also true that we can be our own best cheerleader. It’s our choice because as I’ve said here before, the only thing in life we have control over are the thoughts we choose to think. It’s also important to get comfortable listening to our own good guidance. While other people may have our best interest at heart, only we know what is best for us. Learning to enthusiastically collaborate with others and willingly receiving support from others takes away the pressure we might feel to do everything ourselves and places the focus on interdependence, providing both empowerment and comfort.

“Happiness is a direction, not a place.” – Sydney J. Harris

Embracing lightheartedness, scheduling joyful events on the calendar, so we always have something to look forward to and making time in our day to compliment, smile and laugh with other people all contribute to our true happiness. Small shifts in our habits can create meaningful improvements in our lives over time so that we’re healthier and more productive. Remember that true sustainable happiness is not a goal, it’s more of a process; the more we embrace it and invest in it, the more access we have to it.

Ten tips to cultivate more true sustainable happiness in your life.

  • Put yourself at the top of your list. Practice self-compassion and make yourself a priority
  • Develop gratitude as a practice and say thank you often.
  • Work on having a strong social network for your own support and to give you a sense of belonging.
  • Be a good listener. Listen attentively to what other people say and respond thoughtfully.
  • Have goals and purpose to enhance happiness.
  • Prioritize time for family, partners and friends.
  • Don’t tolerate people who criticize you or make you feel disrespected.
  • Give up complaining and gossip.
  • Speak kindly to yourself and about yourself.
  • Investigate meditation to help calm the mind.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

The Benefits of Alone Time and the Power of Community to Heal Loneliness

How do you feel about being alone? Your answer may be a clue to how you’re wired as a human being. Some of us spend so much time alone that it’s uncomfortable to be around people and some of us spend so much time with people that it’s uncomfortable to be alone. We like to put people into categories such as the ones psychoanalyst Carl Jung created: introverts and extroverts. If you enjoy hobnobbing at a party, you’re categorized as an extrovert and if you aren’t fond of small talk and would prefer a good book cuddled up on your couch at home, you’re categorized as an introvert.

It’s not only about our behaviour, but also about how we recharge our batteries. Some of us need to be around other people to feel energized and some of us need peace and quiet to refuel, so we can handle being around people. Some of us are a little of both and can switch back and forth quite easily. I mention all of this because as human beings, we love a good category. We appreciate it when things are clear cut and easily defined but what it is to be human is not that. Being human is complex and multi-faceted. We’re all unique. Categories are helpful as a guide to point us toward what each one of us needs to thrive. It helps to reflect on situations where we feel most energized or relaxed. Were you alone and enjoyed the day so much you lost track of time? Perhaps that’s a hint that you enjoy being alone. Were you with others who shared a common interest whether it’s a hobby or work?  Did it fill you up or tire you out? Reflecting this way can help us understand what our needs are.

“What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be.” – Ellen Burstyn

I’m more introverted than extroverted. I chose a very public life in broadcasting and public speaking as a career and in many ways, it’s been a terrific education. I need alone time to replenish, manage stress and reflect. Alone time helps me feel more creative and energized so I can be at my best when I’m around people. I’ve learned how to be more extroverted when I’m in social situations (practice helps). People have such interesting stories, and I learn a lot from them. I’ve learned that my story can be helpful to others as well. So, encouraging myself to be more social has had a lot of benefit.

We humans are meant to live in community and to be interdependent. We’re meant to rely on one another; not to be isolated. Research tells us that a certain amount of alone time is beneficial, especially as we age. When we’re alone, we’re more focused and away from other people’s opinions and influence. Being alone is a state of being, and being lonely is an emotional response. While loneliness is part of being human and it’s something we all feel from time to time, we all experience it differently. Some of us feel lonely for a short time and others feel lonely for long periods. Some of us feel lonely when we’re with people, especially when we don’t feel those around us care for us or understand us.

Feeling lonely can contribute to mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and sleep challenges. Conversely, mental health challenges can contribute to feelings of loneliness. Because this aspect of our lives is unique to each one of us, there isn’t one solution for all. Life events outside of our control, important holidays, and big changes in our lifestyle can magnify feelings of loneliness. Being kind toward ourselves or being self-compassionate is an excellent starting point, then opening up to people we trust, not overwhelming ourselves with tasks, resisting the impulse to compare our situation with anyone else’s and instead recognizing that our situation is unique, and the remedy will be unique as well. Learning to take excellent care of ourselves by speaking kindly toward ourselves and about ourselves, taking it slow and not pressuring ourselves to have all the answers might be an effective prescription to start with. Getting exercise without overdoing it, listening to beautiful music, watching lighthearted entertainment on tv, or going out for a walk with a friend might be more your style. Remember procrastination is fear in disguise and deliberately taking small steps to complete a task can help to calm fear.

“The loneliness you feel is actually an opportunity to reconnect with others and yourself.”  Contemporary philosopher – Maxime Legace                  

Loneliness is an epidemic, in our current North American social climate, despite or maybe because of the many ways we are electronically connected. But human connection is something we haven’t been able to replicate digitally, and I hope we never do. Instead, I hope we choose to connect in community whether it’s with our family or our family of choice, so that we can see how much we have in common and help one another along the way.

Life is much smoother when we accept that we’re all unique and that includes our needs. I love alone time to refuel while my friend needs to be around people to fill her tank. We don’t judge one another, instead we respect each other and encourage each other to do what’s right for us. While I’m an independent minded woman I know that I need people as much as they need me. It’s my responsibility to make sure I take good care of myself and sometimes that means spending time alone and sometimes that means sharing what’s happening with my friend.

We’ve been conditioned (I say conned) to think that when we’re independent, we’re strong, but in learning what our needs are and how to be vulnerable with others, we discover our true strength. Having the courage to be vulnerable sets us up to receive support from our community and it’s feeling that we’re part of something bigger than ourselves that builds sustainable strength. It’s knowing that we’re all in this together and together we can do anything.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Self-Compassion for a Happier Day

I pride myself on being a pretty good cook, having taken care of most of the meals for our little family of two over the last thirty-something years. I love to try new recipes, visualizing them in my imagination and relying on my experience in the kitchen to improvise when I feel confident to do so. Occasionally, things go sideways, and the dish doesn’t turn out as I envisioned. I used to feel bad about it, sometimes I’d scold myself, or point out the perceived mistake before anyone else could say anything.  I wanted to protect my feelings from being hurt. It’s exhausting to feel we must cover up when things don’t go as planned. My little story is a small example of the many situations we find ourselves in where things don’t go as we imagined, or we feel we’ve messed up somehow. The most natural response is to frame it in a negative way and be critical of ourselves. This just sounds like human nature, doesn’t it? But does it have to be?

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” – Albert Einstein

It’s that old school conditioning around perfection; it was part of my education growing up but not part of my experience because nothing I was or did could ever have been perfect. That’s how I thought about myself and my life when I was young. The concept of perfection was always out of reach back then, but I have since learned that perfection is nothing more than an illusion. Take nature as an example: we understand that nature is perfect in every way with her rhythms and her beautiful creations but there isn’t one straight line in nature. Think about that. When we observe nature, we can see that there are no mistakes; life in nature is gloriously flawed and we’re comfortable celebrating that.

In nature, nothing is perfect, and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they’re still beautiful.  – Alice Walker                         

While we are part of nature, she feels more like a great teacher because our human experience is different. Unlike animals in the forest, we don’t trust our intuition or our natural rhythm, we rely on our thoughts mostly and sometimes that’s where we get ourselves into trouble. When we make a perceived mistake, our critical thoughts step in to tell us that we’re wrong, that we don’t know how to do whatever it was we were trying to do.

But without our perceived mistakes, how would we learn to do better? How would we know what’s for us if we don’t try different experiences? Nobody nails it on the first go. Life is complex and finding our joy in it takes some practice.

 “Self-compassion is nurturing yourself with all the kindness and love you would shower on someone you cherish.” -Debra L. Reble PhD

 In her book titled Self-Compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff PhD says that having compassion for ourselves, meaning treating ourselves as we would a cherished friend when they’re struggling, helps us to feel stronger and more resilient. Initially this idea rubbed me the wrong way because of the deeply ingrained conditioning I had around independence and perfection. As a young person, I learned to be independent and to strive for elusive perfection. But as I reflected on the idea of compassion and did a little research, I shifted my perception. The word compassion comes from a Latin word meaning to suffer with and research shows that human beings are naturally compassionate because to greater or lesser degrees, we all suffer. We know how to be there for other people when they’re going through it but recently, I’ve been learning through Dr. Neff’s book about the great benefit of having compassion for ourselves. The idea takes the focus off independence and perfection and places it on interdependence and acceptance. We need each other and we need to accept others and ourselves as we are and what we are is gloriously flawed.

 “Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” ― Kristin Neff PhD, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

There are close to 3,000 studies now on the concept of self-compassion and its benefits for our well-being. Dr. Neff says that there’s a difference between acts of self-care like taking a bath or having a massage and self-compassion. The latter is a state of mind; it’s not something that requires resources or taking any action. It’s a way of thinking that is invested in our own best interest. The tricky bit though is we must learn self-compassion because we’re so wired for self-criticism, the evolutionary system that weirdly makes us feel safe. Since learning about the idea of self-compassion, I know which voice I don’t want in my head when things go sideways – a voice that belittles me; what I want is a friend who supports me. Self-compassion then becomes a practice, where we shift our inner dialogue when we mess up from negativity and self-criticism to support and kindness. Let’s face it, nobody gets through life without some challenges and when you can learn to rely on yourself for some compassion you’re far more inclined to be comfortable sharing that support with others.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

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