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Articles by: Kathie Donovan

Author: Kathie Donovan

The Comfort Zone Feels Good but is it Good for Us?

Do you love your comfort zone as much as I do? Especially when I felt pressured in some way, my old habit was to retreat to comfort. It’s human nature. I can remember as a kid not having very much peace or ease in my life, which I’m sure in part explains why I’m a sugar addict. Sugar provided sweetness and an instant fix of comfort for me, when I was a kid but that habit hung around a little too long. I’ve been aware for some time that sugar is a poison in the body, so in the last several decades, I’ve been investigating other ways to comfort myself instead of turning to sugar. I love yoga, meditation and walking in nature; these practices all help to calm my system. I acknowledge that it takes courage to resist the allure of sugar because it’s so easy to access but I’ll continue to push on the edges of my comfort zone to embrace other ways to find sweetness in life because I know I’ll benefit in the long run.

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”
-Psychologist, Abraham Maslow

Mirriam-Webster dictionary defines comfort as “contented well-being, consolation in a time of trouble, a feeling of relief or encouragement.” Comfort implies a state of ease and satisfaction; it’s something we all want to experience. But staying in our comfort zone can over time create such a predictable life that we can feel bored or left out and long term that’s not a recipe for a happy life. It’s important to understand the difference between challenging the edges of our comfort zone and doing something that makes us feel uncomfortable. Moving out of our comfort zone implies that we accept a challenge and make the choice to grow even when it’s somewhat difficult. Engaging in an activity that makes us feel uncomfortable without a clear intention can have negative consequences and push us farther back into our comfort zone instead of helping to expand it.

“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”
-Author Brian Tracy

Have I ever shared with you the experience I had when I started to study colour pencil drawing? My teacher was a physicist turned artist, who copied the masters, and became a master of the art herself. She had many tricks to help her students not feel overwhelmed when starting a drawing but the week after we were assigned to draw a group of apples from a photograph, I had barely one centimeter of the assignment done. I was so afraid to not get it right, I felt paralyzed until I was in my teacher’s company where I felt courageous enough to move the drawing along and eventually finish it. I remember the experience so well because I was pushed so far out of my comfort zone. I was asking myself who I thought I was, I was afraid of being judged by the teacher and what I learned was that as a student we don’t have to know all the answers, we don’t have to get it right the first time; we don’t have to judge ourselves harshly. We just need to be good students and having a lot of compassion for ourselves is an important part of being a good student. That lesson runs through everything I live today in my personal and my professional life. Having a student mindset allows me to be more compassionate toward myself when I don’t get it right; it supports me when I want to try new things, meet new people and have new experiences.                                     

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit at home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
-Dale Carnegie

Especially as we get older, the comfort zone becomes more appealing. We’re concerned about stepping out, we’re afraid to look like we don’t know what we’re doing, and we think we should be able to handle everything in our lives, the way we’ve always done. So, staying in familiar surroundings feels safer than doing something we’ve never done before or trying something we’ve never tried before. It’s key to mention here that as we get older and our life circumstances shift: we retire from full-time work, we may move out of our family home, we may not have family close by or feel connected to our family, whatever the circumstances we need to accept whatever is going on. That may be the most courageous act of all: acceptance of life as it is. The curious thing is that once we fully accept life as it is, we create space for ease to take over from the anxiety of wishing life could be any other way.

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”
–Nelson Mandela

Successful people understand that there’s no such thing as failure. When we don’t get the result, we expect when we try something new, it doesn’t mean we’ve lost. On the contrary, when we’re open to learning, we can see that we’ve gained wisdom, a fresh perspective and perhaps a new skill. We don’t always have to understand why something didn’t work for us, nor do we need to blame ourselves for not getting the result we wanted. We need to congratulate ourselves for taking a risk and embrace compassion for ourselves in the process. Life is anything but predictable and perhaps we shouldn’t be either. Learning to expand our comfort zone equips us to process change and uncertainty with more acceptance and grace; it also helps us to be more resilient in the face of future challenges.

Here are some tips to help you expand your comfort zone:

  • Spend time in the company of courageous people and listen carefully to them so you can learn how to be more courageous.
  • Be honest with yourself. Write in a private journal or talk with a trusted friend. Say exactly what you’re feeling.
  • Challenge what you think you know. Be open to other viewpoints and opinions.
  • Learn a new language or take up a hobby to push on the edges of your comfort zone. This helps with memory and problem-solving skills.
  • Make being creative part of your every day: write, draw, paint, do a puzzle, sing, dance, play music or build a business. These activities help to alleviate the need for perfection and encourage a student mindset.
in Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Are Life’s Obstacles Stumbling Blocks or Building Blocks for a Better Life?

Have you ever met an obstacle you liked? If you have, I’d like to give you a high five. I’ve never met an obstacle I liked. My brain slams on the brakes the moment it senses a potential stumbling block; all systems are called into action to assess the situation before proceeding. If that sounds at all familiar it’s because you’re human and we humans are like cats waiting for a mouse, we’re always on the lookout for danger, sometimes to the point of sabotaging our own goals and dreams.

“We all have challenges. You can let them be obstacles or roadblocks, or you can use them.”
– Paralympian, Amy Purdy

Amy Purdy fully embraces obstacles now, after navigating them for over twenty years. As a young woman with a thriving massage therapy practice, Amy thought she had the flu. It turned out to be meningitis; Amy lost both legs below the knee and got herself on prosthetics as soon as she could. You’d probably be more familiar with this young American as a Paralympian snowboarder and Dancing with the Stars runner up because that’s what she did with the obstacle presented to her. Amy 2.0, as she called herself then, saw the obstacle, processed what happened, accepted the situation, and figured out how to work with it, so that she could achieve the new dreams and goals she set for herself. She’s had to adapt repeatedly throughout her life as an amputee. Amy is pure inspiration for any of us to turn to, when we come up against something we perceive as an impossible block.

“It’s the hardest things in life—the things that stress you out—that build character and make you stronger. Don’t shy away from uncomfortable situations just because they won’t be easy.”
– Life Coach, Brittany Burgunder

Call them obstacles, or barriers, they’re part of life and we will encounter them at every age and every stage of this adventure. Our inclination is to avoid them but they’re not on our path without purpose. We can’t grow when we resist what challenges us. It is true that what we resist persists, so that the more we push back, the more we’re pushed back. Our resistance to life’s trials points to fear. One of my mentors, the late personal-development author and speaker, Dr. Wayne Dyer often used the acronym f. e. a. r. to symbolize “false evidence appearing real,” implying that much of what we fear is a result of our beautiful brains imagining the worst-case scenario or a dramatic outcome with no basis in our current reality. It feels real and when we entertain fear in this way, it can delay our personal growth; even sabotage our goals and dreams.

When we undertake to work with an obstacle, we tap into our innate resourcefulness, we build resilience, increase our self- awareness, and learn valuable lessons. Not to say that fear isn’t useful; in many ways it’s a helpful tool, telling us to turn back or at least not proceed immediately. Can’t swim? Then having a healthy fear of water will keep you safe. I like to use the example of crossing the road: if we look both ways and there are no cars coming, then we can proceed but stepping out on to the road without checking first can lead to no good. Fear is all about survival ultimately and when we recognize it for what it is, it can be helpful instead of harmful. Keep in mind that as we age, fear tends to pull up a chair and make itself comfortable; what we want to do is get comfortable being uncomfortable in the company of fear.

“Every challenge, every adversity, contains within it the seeds of opportunity and growth.”
– Author, Roy Bennett

Author Roy Bennett said it best: every challenge has within it the seeds of opportunity and growth. What if fear prevented you from going to the event where you met your partner? What if you let fear of failure stop you from inquiring about an opportunity you really wanted. What if you turned everything around and recognized that your superpower of courage is always there, waiting for you to call on it, to support you as you face whatever you might be feeling fearful about? What if we put obstacles, barriers and challenges in proper perspective and recognized them not as stop signs but as learning opportunities, so that instead of saying “I can’t” right out of the gate, we ask “what is this here to teach me or what can I learn from this?”

We’ve all been gifted with an unlimited supply of courage and sometimes we must invest it in shifting our focus from fear to possibility, so that we can see beyond the obstacle or barrier in front of us. It’s always in hindsight we see that had we not navigated our way through something challenging we wouldn’t have been ready to take on something new. It’s important to accept that some life circumstances are out of our control but our power lives in knowing that much of what we perceive as life’s obstacles are really what we call in retrospect life’s building blocks.

Tip: To help calm your system when you come up against an obstacle try box breathing. Breathe in for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of four, exhale for a count of four and hold your breath for a count of four. Repeat 10 times and notice the calm feeling in your body. Controlling the breath signals to the body and the brain that everything is okay.

If you’d like to read more about Amy Purdy, check out this article in Women’s Health: Click here. 

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Nourishing Ourselves: Body, Mind and Spirit

Are you a caregiver personality, someone who prides themselves on putting other people’s needs ahead of your own or have you figured out that your needs are important too? I’m curious because somehow when I was young, I learned that it was noble to prioritize other people’s needs. While it might feel natural for us to take care of other people, sometimes we’re so focused on other people’s needs, we abandon ourselves until we’re exhausted and out of resources. Who is there to take care of us when that happens? The answer is: it’s the same person responsible for our happiness: it’s us. We’re responsible for it all. This life lesson has taken me a few decades to integrate and I’m still working on it but I’m getting there. I’m learning that I can give to others, and take care of my own needs too.


“When you say, ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”
– Paul Coelho, Author, The Alchemist

When we’re taught about nourishment we’re educated around calories, leafy greens, fibre and protein but not so much about feeding ourselves good thoughts. We’re taught about calories in and calories out, but we’re not taught that rest is a key part of productivity. In fact, pausing is almost frowned upon where it should be celebrated. We’ve become a culture that praises hustling and denigrates resting, overlooking the fact that resting fuels us to be productive in a healthy way. Let’s face it, while we’re managing the details of our lives, we’re also managing our energy and we want to have stores of it so we can proceed with purpose.
Rest has many personalities for us to engage with; we can incorporate it into our day by focusing on a hobby, spending time reading or meditating. We get quality rest by including good sleep habits in our day, including letting our body know that sleep is coming up by having a set bedtime and wrapping up eating two hours before bed. We can wear blue light blocking glasses when we’re in front of our computer screen or our phone, we can enjoy calming music or have a warm bath in the evening. When our mind is focused on future tasks, ruminating about all the things we have to do, we can take a few minutes to write a to-do list, this will give us the comfort of knowing we don’t have to think about it all the time, to remember to do it.

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”
– Author, Anne Lamott

Research tells us and I say it a lot here: food and movement are two important keys to living a long life, but the number one predictor of our longevity is social connection. Our warm relationship with others scores higher than whether we choose to eat popcorn or not. Friendship and community are essential nutrients in our lives, so it’s important that they’re healthy. Creating boundaries around toxic relationships is empowering, once we get past the initial discomfort. Learning to say yes to what we really want and no to what we don’t want is also uncomfortable, especially if you’re a recovering people pleaser but the reward of not having to do things you don’t want to, is worth the effort. Working on eliminating gossip, being a good listener, asking good questions, offering compliments and expecting nothing in return are all nourishing habits that build healthy connections.
Stepping out of our comfort zone and taking the lead on inviting someone to have coffee, go to a movie or take a walk are all brilliant exercises when it comes to building our courage muscle, which we need to have toned to live a fulfilling social life. Especially as we age, we’ve been conditioned to believe that we’ll lose our mojo when it comes to trying new things. Let’s forget about what we’ve been taught about getting older and ensure that we have what we need: people around us who light us up and activities that make our days enjoyable. The truth is that there are no rules; we’re in charge of all of it.

“Invent your world. Surround yourself with people, colours, sounds, and work that nourish you.”
– Author, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy

Spirituality is a unique experience for all of us. I might be interested in practicing yoga, meditation, mindfulness and kindness as my spiritual practice and someone else might find religion a perfect fit for their needs. I fully believe that creativity is a spiritual practice. Ask anyone who writes, paints, draws, plays music, sings, does handiwork, builds things, dances, or designs gardens and they’ll tell you that they can easily lose track of time because they’re living in the moment with whatever they’re creating. It’s the most remarkable, unexplainable experience and while it’s often challenging, it’s also grounding and rewarding. Have you ever thought you’d like to try something creative even if you don’t think you’ll be good at it? Go ahead, be lousy at it, you can still have fun and not be good at something. Who are we doing these things for anyway? The answer should be we’re doing all of this for ourselves. You just never know what you’ll discover about yourself by trying something new.

I studied colour pencil drawing years ago and was mortified that I didn’t know how to do it right out of the gate but how could I? My teacher was an accomplished artist and physicist who was very compassionate. I kept at it, and you know what? I learned a lot and produced a few beautiful drawings. Maybe it’s time to pick up the pencils again and see what we can create together.

I’ll leave it to the professionals to advise us on how to eat for optimum health, but I do know that too much sugar is destructive. Yup, I’ve learned that the hard way when my sleep was being impacted by sugar. I’m a work in progress on that topic, it’s so addictive and hidden in plain sight. It’s such a shame that it tastes so good. The other lesson I’m learning is around water. Drink it. I now add lots of fresh lemon to my water to entice me because the only way I really enjoy water is in a bathtub or floating on a pool noodle in the river.
Hahaha.

I’ll leave you with this. Find ways to make yourself laugh, not only to lighten your day but to boost oxygen in your blood, improve your immunity, burn calories, relax your muscles and lower stress hormones. Heck, forget everything else I’ve said here and find something that makes your heart sing with laughter.

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Why Happiness Matters and How to Cultivate More of it in Your Life

What does happiness mean to you? Some of us think of happiness as a fleeting state, depending on circumstances and other people. For others it means contentment or feeling successful. Happiness to me is a state of mind rather than a feeling in response to something outside of myself. I call it true and sustainable happiness and I learned about it by not having it in my life. Sounds strange I know but I believe we’ve been taught to think that we’ll find happiness through people and situations outside of ourselves. While we may get results pursuing happiness this way, to maintain the feeling, we must keep chasing after it. We can get closer to the meaning of true sustainable happiness when we acknowledge what it is not. It’s not money in the bank although that’s a nice thing to have; it’s not status although that’s lovely too. We have been mistakenly convinced that our happiness comes as the result of having money and status. You can’t buy true sustainable happiness, but you can earn it by investing in yourself.

“Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.” –  Ralph Waldo Emerson

I call myself a happiness expert, so you’ll understand why I’m fascinated with the subject. My passion is researching how to help people uncover more of what I call true happiness; that’s been the focus of my work for the last few decades. I’ve been committed to the topic in part to support myself. As I mentioned in my first book Inspiration in Action: A Woman’s Guide to Happiness, happiness was so elusive in my life as a young woman that I felt like I was reaching into a large, overstuffed purse, pulling out whatever I thought might make me happy and trying it. Nothing and I mean nothing from shopping and drugs to alcohol and losing myself in relationships provided what I now know as true happiness. I’m grateful to have survived my experiments and now use the wisdom I learned from those experiences to help other people have an easier time connecting with their own version of happiness.

“Happiness isn’t a goal, it’s a by-product of a life well lived.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

The question is how do we invite more happiness into our lives? We all have our own preferences when it comes to everyday living and what makes us feel good. We have different tastes in music and art which is so special, but I don’t think we put enough emphasis on incorporating gratitude and kindness into our everyday habits. We’re conditioned to take our lives for granted until something happens to shake us out of our slumber. Some of our Wellings members tell us that they take the opportunity to create new habits and live life more on their own terms instead of living to please anybody else when they move into our community. That’s a step in the direction of more happiness. You’ll often hear people who have survived a terrible accident, or a life-threatening disease say they’re grateful every day. I believe it but we don’t need to wait for something extraordinary to happen for us to develop that deep appreciation. It’s all about the lens we choose to see life through.

When we see ourselves as separate from others either better or less than others, we’re turning away from happiness. The truth of this life is that we are all connected as a human race and the simple acknowledgement of that fact turns us toward a more settled mindset instead of the stress and chaos that separation sets us up for. Adding to that, having compassion for ourselves and others instead of feeding the drive to judge helps to settle our nervous system, which is a contributing factor to experiencing true happiness.

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” – Dalai Lama

Positive psychology, the school of science that explores happiness, recommends that being grateful, partaking in regular exercise and having healthy relationships will enhance our happiness. Developing a practice of being grateful by writing down three to five things a day we’re grateful for will help to embed the habit in our mind. Moving our beautiful body however we’re able will enhance not only our wellbeing but our sleep as well. Removing toxic people from our social circle and eliminating habits like complaining and gossiping will lighten us up to make more room for happiness. Incorporating more positive habits into our daily life encourages production of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine which are correlated with happiness and pleasure. Who doesn’t want more of that?

I’d say watching our thoughts is an important pillar when it comes to our happiness. Mindfulness refers to noticing when negative thoughts start to take over and adjusting our focus to think of something positive or compassionate instead of judgmental. You’ve heard it said that we’re our own worst critic, right? Well, it’s also true that we can be our own best cheerleader. It’s our choice because as I’ve said here before, the only thing in life we have control over are the thoughts we choose to think. It’s also important to get comfortable listening to our own good guidance. While other people may have our best interest at heart, only we know what is best for us. Learning to enthusiastically collaborate with others and willingly receiving support from others takes away the pressure we might feel to do everything ourselves and places the focus on interdependence, providing both empowerment and comfort.

“Happiness is a direction, not a place.” – Sydney J. Harris

Embracing lightheartedness, scheduling joyful events on the calendar, so we always have something to look forward to and making time in our day to compliment, smile and laugh with other people all contribute to our true happiness. Small shifts in our habits can create meaningful improvements in our lives over time so that we’re healthier and more productive. Remember that true sustainable happiness is not a goal, it’s more of a process; the more we embrace it and invest in it, the more access we have to it.

Ten tips to cultivate more true sustainable happiness in your life.

  • Put yourself at the top of your list. Practice self-compassion and make yourself a priority
  • Develop gratitude as a practice and say thank you often.
  • Work on having a strong social network for your own support and to give you a sense of belonging.
  • Be a good listener. Listen attentively to what other people say and respond thoughtfully.
  • Have goals and purpose to enhance happiness.
  • Prioritize time for family, partners and friends.
  • Don’t tolerate people who criticize you or make you feel disrespected.
  • Give up complaining and gossip.
  • Speak kindly to yourself and about yourself.
  • Investigate meditation to help calm the mind.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

The Benefits of Alone Time and the Power of Community to Heal Loneliness

How do you feel about being alone? Your answer may be a clue to how you’re wired as a human being. Some of us spend so much time alone that it’s uncomfortable to be around people and some of us spend so much time with people that it’s uncomfortable to be alone. We like to put people into categories such as the ones psychoanalyst Carl Jung created: introverts and extroverts. If you enjoy hobnobbing at a party, you’re categorized as an extrovert and if you aren’t fond of small talk and would prefer a good book cuddled up on your couch at home, you’re categorized as an introvert.

It’s not only about our behaviour, but also about how we recharge our batteries. Some of us need to be around other people to feel energized and some of us need peace and quiet to refuel, so we can handle being around people. Some of us are a little of both and can switch back and forth quite easily. I mention all of this because as human beings, we love a good category. We appreciate it when things are clear cut and easily defined but what it is to be human is not that. Being human is complex and multi-faceted. We’re all unique. Categories are helpful as a guide to point us toward what each one of us needs to thrive. It helps to reflect on situations where we feel most energized or relaxed. Were you alone and enjoyed the day so much you lost track of time? Perhaps that’s a hint that you enjoy being alone. Were you with others who shared a common interest whether it’s a hobby or work?  Did it fill you up or tire you out? Reflecting this way can help us understand what our needs are.

“What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be.” – Ellen Burstyn

I’m more introverted than extroverted. I chose a very public life in broadcasting and public speaking as a career and in many ways, it’s been a terrific education. I need alone time to replenish, manage stress and reflect. Alone time helps me feel more creative and energized so I can be at my best when I’m around people. I’ve learned how to be more extroverted when I’m in social situations (practice helps). People have such interesting stories, and I learn a lot from them. I’ve learned that my story can be helpful to others as well. So, encouraging myself to be more social has had a lot of benefit.

We humans are meant to live in community and to be interdependent. We’re meant to rely on one another; not to be isolated. Research tells us that a certain amount of alone time is beneficial, especially as we age. When we’re alone, we’re more focused and away from other people’s opinions and influence. Being alone is a state of being, and being lonely is an emotional response. While loneliness is part of being human and it’s something we all feel from time to time, we all experience it differently. Some of us feel lonely for a short time and others feel lonely for long periods. Some of us feel lonely when we’re with people, especially when we don’t feel those around us care for us or understand us.

Feeling lonely can contribute to mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and sleep challenges. Conversely, mental health challenges can contribute to feelings of loneliness. Because this aspect of our lives is unique to each one of us, there isn’t one solution for all. Life events outside of our control, important holidays, and big changes in our lifestyle can magnify feelings of loneliness. Being kind toward ourselves or being self-compassionate is an excellent starting point, then opening up to people we trust, not overwhelming ourselves with tasks, resisting the impulse to compare our situation with anyone else’s and instead recognizing that our situation is unique, and the remedy will be unique as well. Learning to take excellent care of ourselves by speaking kindly toward ourselves and about ourselves, taking it slow and not pressuring ourselves to have all the answers might be an effective prescription to start with. Getting exercise without overdoing it, listening to beautiful music, watching lighthearted entertainment on tv, or going out for a walk with a friend might be more your style. Remember procrastination is fear in disguise and deliberately taking small steps to complete a task can help to calm fear.

“The loneliness you feel is actually an opportunity to reconnect with others and yourself.”  Contemporary philosopher – Maxime Legace                  

Loneliness is an epidemic, in our current North American social climate, despite or maybe because of the many ways we are electronically connected. But human connection is something we haven’t been able to replicate digitally, and I hope we never do. Instead, I hope we choose to connect in community whether it’s with our family or our family of choice, so that we can see how much we have in common and help one another along the way.

Life is much smoother when we accept that we’re all unique and that includes our needs. I love alone time to refuel while my friend needs to be around people to fill her tank. We don’t judge one another, instead we respect each other and encourage each other to do what’s right for us. While I’m an independent minded woman I know that I need people as much as they need me. It’s my responsibility to make sure I take good care of myself and sometimes that means spending time alone and sometimes that means sharing what’s happening with my friend.

We’ve been conditioned (I say conned) to think that when we’re independent, we’re strong, but in learning what our needs are and how to be vulnerable with others, we discover our true strength. Having the courage to be vulnerable sets us up to receive support from our community and it’s feeling that we’re part of something bigger than ourselves that builds sustainable strength. It’s knowing that we’re all in this together and together we can do anything.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Self-Compassion for a Happier Day

I pride myself on being a pretty good cook, having taken care of most of the meals for our little family of two over the last thirty-something years. I love to try new recipes, visualizing them in my imagination and relying on my experience in the kitchen to improvise when I feel confident to do so. Occasionally, things go sideways, and the dish doesn’t turn out as I envisioned. I used to feel bad about it, sometimes I’d scold myself, or point out the perceived mistake before anyone else could say anything.  I wanted to protect my feelings from being hurt. It’s exhausting to feel we must cover up when things don’t go as planned. My little story is a small example of the many situations we find ourselves in where things don’t go as we imagined, or we feel we’ve messed up somehow. The most natural response is to frame it in a negative way and be critical of ourselves. This just sounds like human nature, doesn’t it? But does it have to be?

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” – Albert Einstein

It’s that old school conditioning around perfection; it was part of my education growing up but not part of my experience because nothing I was or did could ever have been perfect. That’s how I thought about myself and my life when I was young. The concept of perfection was always out of reach back then, but I have since learned that perfection is nothing more than an illusion. Take nature as an example: we understand that nature is perfect in every way with her rhythms and her beautiful creations but there isn’t one straight line in nature. Think about that. When we observe nature, we can see that there are no mistakes; life in nature is gloriously flawed and we’re comfortable celebrating that.

In nature, nothing is perfect, and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they’re still beautiful.  – Alice Walker                         

While we are part of nature, she feels more like a great teacher because our human experience is different. Unlike animals in the forest, we don’t trust our intuition or our natural rhythm, we rely on our thoughts mostly and sometimes that’s where we get ourselves into trouble. When we make a perceived mistake, our critical thoughts step in to tell us that we’re wrong, that we don’t know how to do whatever it was we were trying to do.

But without our perceived mistakes, how would we learn to do better? How would we know what’s for us if we don’t try different experiences? Nobody nails it on the first go. Life is complex and finding our joy in it takes some practice.

 “Self-compassion is nurturing yourself with all the kindness and love you would shower on someone you cherish.” -Debra L. Reble PhD

 In her book titled Self-Compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff PhD says that having compassion for ourselves, meaning treating ourselves as we would a cherished friend when they’re struggling, helps us to feel stronger and more resilient. Initially this idea rubbed me the wrong way because of the deeply ingrained conditioning I had around independence and perfection. As a young person, I learned to be independent and to strive for elusive perfection. But as I reflected on the idea of compassion and did a little research, I shifted my perception. The word compassion comes from a Latin word meaning to suffer with and research shows that human beings are naturally compassionate because to greater or lesser degrees, we all suffer. We know how to be there for other people when they’re going through it but recently, I’ve been learning through Dr. Neff’s book about the great benefit of having compassion for ourselves. The idea takes the focus off independence and perfection and places it on interdependence and acceptance. We need each other and we need to accept others and ourselves as we are and what we are is gloriously flawed.

 “Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” ― Kristin Neff PhD, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

There are close to 3,000 studies now on the concept of self-compassion and its benefits for our well-being. Dr. Neff says that there’s a difference between acts of self-care like taking a bath or having a massage and self-compassion. The latter is a state of mind; it’s not something that requires resources or taking any action. It’s a way of thinking that is invested in our own best interest. The tricky bit though is we must learn self-compassion because we’re so wired for self-criticism, the evolutionary system that weirdly makes us feel safe. Since learning about the idea of self-compassion, I know which voice I don’t want in my head when things go sideways – a voice that belittles me; what I want is a friend who supports me. Self-compassion then becomes a practice, where we shift our inner dialogue when we mess up from negativity and self-criticism to support and kindness. Let’s face it, nobody gets through life without some challenges and when you can learn to rely on yourself for some compassion you’re far more inclined to be comfortable sharing that support with others.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Carefreedom Living®, Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Mindset Trumps Circumstances when it Comes to Happiness

Each one of us sees life through our unique perspective, formed by our beliefs and our experience. The lens we view life through is called our mindset; it plays an important role in how our reality is shaped. I’m not sure what it was like growing up in your family, but I wonder if you had the experience of your mother telling you that if you made a face at her, your face would stay that way. Anybody? While our Mum’s threat seemed serious at the time, our faces are pretty much a-okay today despite having frequently contorted them in displeasure at her attempts to discipline us kids. Nonetheless, a seed was planted, and I often wondered if I was temporarily getting away with it; perhaps one of these times, my face would stay that way. Now that I know better, I recognize that it’s one of the many myths I sort of believed as a kid.

Another one that was tough to take was while on family vacation we had to wait an hour after eating before going swimming. According to the Mayo Clinic there is no scientific evidence to prove this concept. My husband bought this myth as a kid too and he suggested it was out there to give our parents a break after a meal, so they didn’t have to supervise us kids swimming. How about one more? Were you taught that we only use 10% of our brain? That was my understanding too but according to a neurologist at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, we use virtually every part of the brain and most of our brain is active just about all the time.

“There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question.” – Anthony de Mello                                                        

According to Dr. Jacob Towery, clinical instructor in the department of psychiatry at Stanford University, our mindset is helpful when it comes to filtering information, it can also work against us when we hold on to ideas that are no longer relevant for us. Dr. Towery explains that we can change our mindset to shift out of distorted thinking, so that we can make room for more happiness in life. I love this idea, it reminds me of the concept of neuroplasticity, which describes how our brain can adapt or change over time with new information and new ways of thinking. This is why I believe that mindset trumps circumstance when it comes to our happiness.

“When you have your health, you have everything. When you do not have your health, nothing else matters at all.” – Augusten Burroughs

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying or said it yourself “when you have your health, you have everything.” I know I’ve said it without giving it much thought but now that I know better, I’ve stopped saying it. It’s another myth I want to bust. Having good health is not everything; having a healthy mindset is. Ask yourself is the reverse of that saying true? If I don’t have good health, I have nothing? The truth is that all of us at some point in life will encounter health challenges but that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy or that we don’t deserve to be happy. When we put our mindset in charge instead of allowing our circumstances to dictate how much happiness we’re entitled to, the results are impressive. Those of us who work at having a healthy mindset appreciate the value of community and the importance of having mutually beneficial connections with other people. Research tells us that a healthy mindset points us to appreciate the gifts we have in our lives every day, nourishes resilience and is a great support as we navigate the trials of daily living and any health challenges we encounter.

“If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you.” – Louise Hay

We’ve been so conditioned to put the emphasis on the wrong thing that we forget what truly matters where our health is concerned. Our health is not only physical, but also emotional, social, spiritual, and intellectual. We should all pursue a healthy lifestyle and that includes not only what we eat and how we move but also having healthy thoughts about ourselves and others. I think it’s equally important to say healthy things about ourselves and others, to surround ourselves with people who want only the best for us and to engage in hobbies and activities that support a healthy mindset so we can continue to learn and grow. Life is much more fun this way.

I believe everyone is entitled to a “pity party” for a short time when the wheels come off but let’s not unpack our bags and stay there. An important aspect of having a healthy mindset is having the courage to ask for help when we need it and at some point, we all need it. Recognizing that all humans have an innate desire to be helpful can make it easier to ask for help. Acknowledging that we all need support at some time means you’re not taking anything away from anyone, rather you’re giving someone the gift of being able to be there for you in the same way you would be there for them. Let’s revisit the saying I mentioned earlier and reframe it so it’s true for us. When you have a healthy mindset, you have everything because with a healthy mindset you can navigate anything.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

The Power of Wonder and Awe

Do you remember that feeling as a child, when you saw the Christmas tree for the first time during the holiday season? Maybe it was your first flight or seeing your child or grandchild for the first time that made you feel something beyond words, something that transcends everyday life. It’s a feeling that we describe as awe or wonder; it’s magic that leaves an imprint.

Although we each have our own precious moments of awe and wonder, we are inclined to leave it to the world to bring these special moments to us. Recently I visited Canada’s National Gallery where it’s pretty much non-stop wonder for me. Visiting the aboriginal exhibit, seeing how early craftspeople made tools and garments leaves me feeling overwhelmed because their resourcefulness and skills are so impressive. Seeing the work of Canadian artists who capture the essence of a boreal forest with colours that don’t exist in nature, but they convince us otherwise leaves me speechless. We are swept up in wonder; as we participate in this creative connection and we allow ourselves to step away from our ruminating mind, to stand in awe. I love to visit the National Gallery because I know that I’ll be inspired to look at life differently.

“The key to a wonderful life is to never stop wandering into wonder.” – Suzy Kassem (writer)

Think of a wedding, where family and friends gather to celebrate love between two people. It’s such a joyful and powerful experience for those in attendance, often moving them to shed happy tears. That’s awe and wonder in action. Sometimes watching a sunrise or a sunset can inspire a strong emotional response. We can call that everyday wonder because these events happen every day. Research tells us that nourishing awe and wonder in our lives is a healthy coping tool, often strengthening our connection with others when we share the experience.

Being in nature is not only awe inspiring, its medicine for us humans. Japanese culture promotes forest bathing or shinrin-yoku, shinrin: forest and yoku: bathing, where people are encouraged to experience the wonder of nature without distraction, walk at a slow pace and notice their surroundings. The benefits of this practice include improved immunity, lung, and heart function as well as memory, and focus. Forest bathing is an excellent antidote for stress and anxiety and is helpful with recovery from injury.

“Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious.” -Stephen Hawking (Cosmologist)

I’m old enough to remember dial telephones and party lines. I love those experiments where they put young kids in front of a dial telephone and ask them if they know how it works. Most of the time they have no idea and that’s just to demonstrate how far we’ve come and how quickly technology has been evolving.  I asked Chat GPT, an artificial intelligence language model that has been trained to produce human-like text, to tell me how a rotary phone works and in seconds I had a pretty thorough explanation. While Artificial Intelligence or AI is one of mankind’s greatest achievements, it comes with plenty of warnings. While we need to embrace technology to stay relevant, as a society, we need to be cautious around its use. Sure, it can respond to questions effectively and efficiently, but I wonder who’s curating the information being shared. I wonder about AI’s impact on our workforce, but I don’t doubt the positive impact it can and will have in our world.

“You will enrich your life immeasurably if you approach it with a sense of wonder and discovery and always challenge yourself to try new things.”  – Nate Berkus (designer)

To be alive today is to live in an era of wonder. We’ve witnessed some of mankind’s greatest successes but we’re also experiencing some detrimental effects from some of these great accomplishments. Because so many of us are connected to our devices, there’s a loneliness epidemic and while there are and will be many innovations to help connect us as humans, nothing is better than human to human connection. At least for now, there’s no heart and soul in what Chat GPT produces and this is what we humans require. Let’s embrace these technological innovations with a beginner’s mindset and not get disillusioned because while change is inevitable, our world is a pretty remarkable place. Let’s choose an approach of wonder and awe about it instead of deciding to be afraid of it.

There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle. – Albert Einstein

Let’s be life-long learners, excellent students of wonder and awe in our every day. As corny as it may sound, there’s magic in seeing the beauty in nature: watching a bird feeding or flying, noticing the intricacies in a flower and marveling at it all. See all your life as the miracle it is and take your sense of wonder with you wherever you go and hopefully you’ll inspire others to do the same.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Taking the Scare out of Retirement and Swapping it for Enthusiasm

Dame Judi Dench said, “It’s the rudest word in my dictionary, “retire.” And “old” is another one. I don’t allow that in my house. And being called “vintage.” I don’t want any of those old words. I like “enthusiastic.”

I do too, Dame Judy. I really like it. How many of us resonate with the word retired?

There’s a hidden implication that needs to be addressed when it comes to retirement and aging in general and that is that as we get older, we become irrelevant. But that’s only true if we say it is right? Personally, I am firmly opposed to this silly notion and hope that together we can plant some ideas to redefine an outdated concept.

Some of us have lived our lives in service to our families and our communities, to our bosses and the companies that employed us and need an opportunity to rest and recover from all the activity. I celebrate that pause for sure. But to thrive, human beings need to have a purpose at every stage of life and what we conventionally refer to as retirement can be our best chapter yet.

“Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.” -Fred Rogers

I’m at an age now where many of my contemporaries are either preparing to or have stopped working full-time, to savour all the freedom that comes with this new phase of life. When they talk about retirement, it has a very different tone from how their parents might have framed it. We are, as Dame Judy suggests, enthusiastic about life: we have hobbies, personal and professional pursuits, activities, social circles, and in my observation that sounds more like having a passion for living fully. Let’s look at the word retired: it has the word tired in it and most of us are anything but tired. Far from it, we’re ready to embrace the adventures awaiting us. Even working out of necessity can be more enjoyable because our life experience has taught us to recognize our limits and create a work life more aligned with our capabilities and interests.

Some of us may have forgotten how to be playful, having defined our success by providing for others, meeting deadlines and being driven by pressure. This chapter is not that; it’s an opportunity to grow into a new version of ourselves, where we call the shots and where we measure our success with a different ruler.

“Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.” – Betty White

American actress, comedienne and producer Betty White was an icon: a beautiful, talented woman who enjoyed a career in television for almost seven decades. She was a champion in animal rescue, had an enviable optimism and a wicked sense of humour. Plainly put, Betty White knew how to be playful and make the most of a life filled with purpose. She had her share of loss and struggle, but it was always her enthusiasm for living that shone through.

The new measure for our success in this third chapter of life is focused on productivity from a different viewpoint. We all have the same number of hours in a day; it’s what we do with that time that will make the difference and this is where purpose comes in. It seems that when we’re young our purpose is easier to connect with, as we build our family, our career, and our social circles but in our third chapter it’s more of a challenge. Our social circles change for various reasons, our family structure shifts too, and we can be left feeling lost or we can begin an investigation to find new meaning. People often advise us to get back to hobbies we enjoyed when we were young, which can be a clue but connecting with our purpose is not like finding a lost quarter, it’s more like uncovering a mystery.

“Retirement isn’t the end of the road, but just a turn in the road.” –Unknown

There’s more great news about this chapter in our life adventure: we’re the choosers, we’re the deciders and we have more sovereignty over key decisions like where we live and how we live.  One of the challenges we face is that we prefer our comfort zone over growth because it can be uncomfortable but the key to living with enthusiasm is taking risk, there’s no growth without it.

Moving forward into this exciting time of life means we get to try new things, meet new people, perhaps adopt a pet, experiment with language, musical instruments, volunteering, and work opportunities. We have amassed a lot of experience and hopefully some wisdom to help steer us as we navigate. While it may be some time before we find a new word to best describe this potential filled chapter of life, we are breaking ground and we’re doing it by living joyfully, practicing spontaneity, connecting with purpose, and placing importance on connection and community. These are the building blocks of a brilliant third chapter and the exciting part is we’re creating it together. 

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

Reinventing yourself is a Valuable Investment with a Great Return

We’re into the second month of 2024 and people are already breaking the New Year’s resolutions they made a month ago. In my humble opinion, New Year’s resolutions are a weak plan that serves to make us feel bad, when we don’t see quick results. How about we try a different angle? Instead of overwhelming ourselves with commitments that make us feel like we’re not enough, how about we focus on reinvention, which concentrates on shifting out parts of ourselves that are no longer serving us. Too many people stick with the limited notion that this is just how I am and who I am, take it or leave it, which is fine if it makes you feel good, but I think it reflects another limiting belief that we don’t have the capacity to reinvent ourselves. 

Here’s some great news: you can choose where you want to remodel your lifestyle, your friends list, your thinking habits and begin laying the groundwork for the next great chapter in your life. We humans are far more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. Yes, changing something in our lives so that we improve ourselves and our circumstances may feel uncomfortable, but the reward is considerable.

Has anyone ever told you that you can do anything? If they did, do you believe it? Sometimes the idea that we can do anything we want frightens us because it’s such an abstract concept and so hard to feel that it could be real. Does it mean I can be an astronaut or live by the beach? Does it mean I can join a band or climb a mountain? Well, yes, yes, yes, and yes if you have the will, commitment, time, tenacity, and resources to devote yourself to making these projects your reality.  

Likely your first reaction to becoming an astronaut is to scoff at such an idea but before you do, consider that becoming an astronaut may not be for you and just let it go. Every one of us is in a unique life situation which I like to describe as being in our own lane. There’s only your lane for you and in that lane with your gifts and your skills is where your best crack at reinvention lies.

“If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.” – Ivan Turgenev (novelist, poet, playwright).

Some of industry’s most successful leaders talk about the challenge of getting buy-in from their staff when it comes to reinvention or change. It’s a well-researched fact that we humans don’t like change but think for a second and realize that the way we got to where we are as human beings is because of change. These same leaders of industry also talk about how to get their teams on side, when it comes to change. First, they say, as leaders, they must see the value in it and then they must keep it simple for their teams. When a big idea is simplified, it makes it easier for our busy thinking mind to grasp a fresh perspective. Our thinking mind is so good at coming up with all the reasons why we shouldn’t change anything. As CEO of your life, it’s important that you’re convinced that there’s value in reinvention and it’s key that you don’t overwhelm yourself with big sweeping change. Instead focus on small shifts so that you can remain accountable to your goal instead of feeling overwhelmed and slipping back into habits that no longer serve you.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” -M. Scott Peck (psychiatrist, author)

 

Having clarity about what we want in whatever chapter of life we’re in and having goals for our future is key to successful reinvention. Often clarity emerges from us examining our discomfort or recognizing what we don’t want in our lives. If you’re a chronic complainer or find yourself in the company of complainers, at some point there’s a recognition that the habit of complaining never brings joy; it only brings more situations to complain about. Recognizing that this habit needs to shift out if you’re ever going to feel satisfied and joyful is a big step. We should always feel pleased with ourselves when we recognize habits that are no longer serving us and are working against our joy. Then, by having compassion for ourselves, we can begin to replace complaints with questions or compliments. These can be directed at ourselves by speaking kindly to and about ourselves, and can be addressed to those around us, so that we gradually ease our way out of the habit of complaining and into a mindset and an approach that invites more joy.

We should always be curious about the world we’re living in, regardless of age. The National Institute of Aging studied curiosity along with other factors such as physical health risks in a group of 1200 men over 65, to see if curiosity made any impact on the quality of their lives or their longevity; a similar study was done following 1000 women. The results showed a correlation between physical and psychological health in curious people and concluded that curiosity impacted longevity. The study also showed that curious people were better prepared to respond to challenges encountered as they age such as change in living arrangements or mobility.  Curious people displayed better coping skills with new experiences, were more adept at forging new friendships and were more resourceful when it came to problem solving.

“If you are not where you want to be, do not quit. Instead, reinvent yourself and change your habits.” –Eric Thomas (pastor, author, speaker)

Do you find yourself spending too much time alone? Isolation and loneliness can have a serious impact on our physical and mental health, so if this sounds like you it’s time to look at how you can reinvent your lifestyle. Let’s use the example of volunteering to up level your life and provide meaning for you and impact for others. Begin with researching services, clubs and organizations in your community and find groups engaged in something that really interests you. Perhaps contact someone within the group to find out more information and invite a friend to investigate with you a little further in person. It won’t take long before you’ll know whether it’s for you. If it is for you, you’ve opened the door to potentially making new friends and of course being of service is rewarding all around. You’ve just expanded your circle, created connections, and enhanced your community. You’ve just reinvented yourself.

This Wellings blog by Kathie Donovan was exclusively written for Wellings Communities and appeared first on MyWellings.com.

in Healthy Aging Posted by Kathie Donovan

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