Do you feel worthy of receiving compliments or do they make you feel uncomfortable? Our world is so focused on appearances, which is likely why we feel a little awkward when someone compliments us. If we believe we look good, then a compliment is easier to receive but many of us are unsure of ourselves and so compliments may feel insincere even when they’re genuine. The truth is that while it’s nice to look good, there’s so much more about us that’s worthy of praise.
“Don’t judge by appearances. A rich heart may be under a poor coat.” – Anonymous
I’m a big believer in compliments not only about physical appearance but about who we are and how we are. I recognize that praise helps people feel seen, heard and valued, which is very important to me. Growing up as a short person: at school, I was always placed at the front of the line, and I was singled out as cute. The compliments I received were no doubt genuine but always focused on the fact that I’m a small person. I should mention that being vertically challenged has never been a disadvantage in my life, quite the opposite. It’s given me unique insight into how we see each other and how sometimes what we perceive about each other is very limited. I recall meeting with a newspaper reporter years ago, who was writing a story about a project I was involved with. I specifically asked her not to lead with my height and of course she did. I didn’t want her to lead with what I think is the least interesting thing about me. I’m so much more than my height and so are you: so much more than the body you live in. We can be so focused on how we look that it can detract from us living our lives joyfully, celebrating ourselves for all the challenges we’ve moved through and the resilience we’ve gained as a result. That’s why I think offering meaningful compliments can make a difference.
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” – Leo Buscaglia
When we praise people about who they are, we shine a light on their strengths, which connects us in a deeper way and helps boost self-esteem. When we compliment each other on our creativity or resilience for example, we acknowledge the inherent qualities that make each of us special. I just finished reading Tony Bennet’s book Just Getting Started. I have always been a big fan not only because of Tony’s tremendous talent as a vocal artist and painter but also because of his humility. The book is a series of short chapters focusing on the people he encountered over the years, from Count Basie and Frank Sinatra to Lady Gaga and Amy Winehouse who either made a difference for him or for whom he was able to make a difference. Tony is very generous with compliments about how these people were or are as human beings as much as their musical talent.
Recognizing a person’s resilience, kindness, compassion or loyalty, affirms that their worth is not solely based on their appearance and can empower them to embrace these qualities as strengths to be celebrated and further developed.
“Do not miss a single chance- not one single opportunity- to tell someone how wonderful they are, how special they are, how important to you they are, how incredible as a person they are, how beautiful they are inside and out. Do not miss a single opening in which to insert such a comment, genuinely felt and genuinely meant.” – author, Neale Donald Walsch
If you want to create a positive social environment and improve interactions at work, at home or among your friends, nourish the habit of giving as well as receiving compliments. Our acts of kindness, expressed through our words and our actions create a feeling of belonging and diminish feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. What’s the old proverb? You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar. Think about it this way: kindness attracts; rudeness repels.
It’s interesting to me that a compliment about a person’s character is longer lasting than a compliment about their appearance. It comes back to the idea that we all want to feel seen, heard, valued and appreciated for who we are. The magic happens when we receive compliments graciously. A simple thank you is a beautiful gift to give someone who gifts us with kindness. Even when we don’t fully believe the compliment, saying thank you acknowledges that someone sees something in us that we might take for granted or not be aware of.
Let’s not forget that kindness is contagious and there’s great benefit for us when we give compliments. Want lower blood pressure and cortisol levels? Kindness is good medicine for both. Then there are the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine that make us feel satisfied and stimulate the pleasure and reward centre of the brain for both the giver and the receiver. There’s also the added benefit of reducing fear and anxiety.
- Is there someone who made a difference in your life? Send them a note or an email expressing your appreciation for their generosity.
- Have you observed someone navigating through a rough time with courage and grace? Tell them how much you admire their bravery.
- Is there someone in your life who seems a little down? Offer them some sunshine by complimenting them.
Here are a few suggestions for compliments about attributes other than physical appearance:
- Our conversations mean a lot to me.
- You have great taste in……
- You are so good at embracing creativity.
- Your enthusiasm is contagious.
- You express yourself very well.
- You’re very understanding.
- I feel energized when I’m in your company.
- You make me think about things differently.
- You inspire me.
While criticism certainly comes more easily than compliments do, there’s far more fuel for our well-being and happiness when we train our mind to look for the good in other people and let them know what we observe. It’s easy to put a foot wrong when we’re critical of others because we do not have the full picture of their life, but you can’t make a mistake when you give out compliments like candy.